Original Instagram Caption: "Bit delayed but this was me on my last day of the holiday. I’m back in London now and if I’m honest it wasn’t the greatest welcome home. I’ve always struggled to see myself as part of a proper family. My family has never been that close, we don’t talk much and we don’t see our relatives that often. When I met my boyfriend I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, but technically I’m not family. And last night that was made very clear by some choice words by people in the house (not my boyfriend) which has made me feel pretty isolated and unwanted. Luckily we are moving out soonish, no date yet but soon! It is sure to cause tension but I’ve lost my sense of belonging again and no longer feel very comfortable here."
When I wrote this caption the feelings were very raw. An argument had just happened and I used the post to vent some of that sensation of rejection. However, although the pain has subsided somewhat, I have always struggled with the sense of belonging whether that be school, friends, hobbies or family. I've felt it occasionally, in certain moments, but it has never stayed as a lasting sensation for any particularly notable length of time.
In school, I was the kid that bounced from group to group. I never had a solid foundation in any friendships and wasn't missed if I wasn't around. I was a filler. A decoration. Not a huge problem if I wasn't there but contributed something when I was. Some groups I was part of eventually shunned me because I wasn't that cool and I wasn't that pretty. I was very middle of the road and it was made obvious to me. At that age, you don't understand that being different is good and should be celebrated, you just want to fit in. I think I still hold onto that idea a little.
I also danced a lot and was undoubtedly the black sheep in that situation. I have always been on the larger side, struggled with my fitness (I didn't know I had an underlying disability at the time) and found it difficult to gel with many people in that world. I LOVED to dance and when I was physically dancing I felt great until I looked around me and noticed the mean stares and whispered comments.
Then it came to family, my last hope at belonging. We have never been a family to talk much. We didn't share emotions or talk about our day. It's only recently (the past few years) that I have bothered sharing what's happened over the past week or let anyone know if I'm not feeling great. I still don't talk a huge amount to my family about my emotions, it feels awkward as we've never really been like that. Almost all my relatives live a decent distance away and I haven't seen my cousins in years. A lot of them don't even know about my EDS diagnosis or that I was using a walking stick for a considerable amount of time. When I met my boyfriend I realised it was normal to chat with your parents about your day. He and his mum would talk all the time and I found it so strange. I saw how nice it was and it encouraged me to build a relationship with my mum that was closer and more emotional. I thought I'd finally found somewhere that felt like home. But, with every family, there are ups and downs. He and I are in the process of moving out and it's causing arguments and tension as he's very relied on in his household. I feel guilty a lot of the time and I feel like a lot of the blame is put on me too. If I wasn't around he might be staying. If I wasn't around they might not feel like they're 'losing' him.
That argument, on that day, brought all those feelings back. Those feelings of rejection, dismissal and not being included. The place I'd started to call home and the people I'd finally started calling family was choosing to be spiteful instead of being happy for us.
The whole situation has calmed down a little since. Everyone seems to be getting along alright now, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that it could happen at any moment. Any small thing could mean I get shunned again and it's a horrible feeling. I've got so used to it through my teen and adult life that I expect it and that's something I need to work on. Hopefully, when we move I can start making a place that I feel comfortable and safe in. Somewhere I can call home and start building a new idea of family in. I haven't allowed myself to get excited about the prospect yet as I'm terrified of it falling through, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't entered my mind how happy this change could make me.